my name is Tilly. here, if you're wondering what i look like.

in the middle of the 20th century, my grandfather, an amerikuhn was deployed to koria to fight in a war. there, he met my grandmother, a south-korian, whom he swore to his mates he would marry as soon as the war was over. when asked how they met, he'd always say, "secretly. but that one's for some other time -"
anyhow, two years after armistice was signed, they married.

Mother was born on the 25th of december 1959 in the unitid stayts. Grandmama says her only redeemable feature is that button nose of hers - they have a love/hate relationship as do most mothers and daughters, i suppose. when Mother was fifteen, they moved here for the sun, variations of rain and lack of real politics. nonetheless, Grandpa thought and still thinks highly of Elkay. Mother met Daddy in secondary school. when they were 20, Grandmama thought he was "a most decent fellow". that year, Mother and Daddy wed.

i have two siblings, both of whom are close to ten years older than i am. often, people who do not think i am local ask if i'm from koria or juhpan. well, little do they know that it's a rather tenuous link, considering that i am only a quarter, and certainly not japuhnese. what is funny, though, is that i may have been Yoshitomo Nara's muse!

( here, this will clue you in! )

what loathesome titles.

it is almost 1 a.m. again and here i am in another pathetic attempt to document my life. here, is another bucketful of insecurities as life as semester three begins. gone are three months worth of accomplishing nothing more than reading several good books, three holidays in australia and southeast asia, and emerging only slightly victorious from a war of attrition, in which M and i have both suffered sizable losses. the current peace is a tenuous one, though greatly appreciated.

today, we/(i) skipped out of a popiah party to be alone. it has been one of the most cherished days of the three months past, though uneventful and simple it was. there will never be a comfort and lack of fear like that which is experienced at number 5, L. Road, but it cannot seem to assert its existence in reality. suddenly there is so much honesty in that one sentence, yet i am still hiding behind words, hoping that the un-friend-ly reader will not be able to decipher the detail of this instability in my soul, since that is not unobvious. it is exactly when the sound of typing is too sharp and the air-conditioning is blowing too loudly that i'm aware i'm entirely alone with my thoughts and self-deprecation.

are the lies that we tell others bigger than the lies that we tell ourselves? i've never felt how refreshing it is to be honest with someone else because that means allowing oneself to tell yourself the truth. the truth that lurks at the back of one's mind but is easily overlooked if he chooses half-truths when relating situations/issues etc. to other people. cut to the chase: i have been misleading myself the whole time and people have suffered the brunt of it. what this really is about is meeting the people you told or promised yourself you would stop caring or feeling responsible for (this really isn't as bad as it sounds).

quite enough of this honesty overkill, now..am in a good place/position despite certain circumstances, so will just relish in it till -

by Mel Stringer.

if Meow was still doing mosh, this would make brilliant publicity!

home again from the lack of time conception. it's been three days and they have been an agreeable, golden sun - almost dry for this humid, tropical heat.

Bali, too, was warm and amicable, where i knew i was watched and simply looked at by foreign eyes, yet i was at liberty to do and act to my desire or flimsy whim. much like George Michael squalling 'Freedom' in his tone-deaf way at Mixwell. there are stories to tell but somehow i don't feel that they warrant being told - perhaps also by virtue of my not wanting to mention names (i feel invisible too).

it is regrettable that i did not get to swim today. that hour spent alone in the pool, by the the pool is precious, zen time and i feel a real lightness when events, such as Margaret Atwood and her dragonfly story sneaking a chuckle out of me, take place.

oh well, kitty calls.

M.,

i just need to be free. i'll return when i'm done.

don't wait up.

today, i start to read Ignorance (today, i start to read Ignorance again). which seems to center around the mismatching of experience and associated memories between (once) linked individuals - single sentence summaries never suffice. how amazing it is that (4?) years before, i could see the irony of it, the irony of it in relation to this life of my own as my eyes darted across each page with a forced retardation in attempt to swallow its concept while waiting for you in the library, and the ability of seeing the end's progression, knowing that today (as it is; 4th June 2009) would happen again, because the first time it did was in my mind (like it does this very day), bringing back that very specific memory. or is it more accurate then to call it a prediction? - [like] the man returning to his beloved from whom cruel destiny had torn him away; ... the return, the return, the great
magic
of return.

yesterday: while i pray for the new happiness found, i see the clash, which i really am at a loss reconciling. what will be of all this (you, me and everyone we know - hurhur) when life ceases and eternity comes to be. lotw? - balls. - a very overcast one, at that.

anyhow, Just For Laughs:
p/s. look how far we've come from here (haha):

today marks the fifth day Mother has been gone. she will be home tomorrow and i have not satisfactorily soaked in the solitude and fear entirely - perhaps not even at all. i've been tending to her Balcony Garden and the vine plants seem to be deteriorating: Mother did not leave her green fingers behind. they were recently acquired though - when we lived at normanton, she dabbled with plants to their death ha ha. anyhow, the rest of them plants are doing well, i do think. a strange contentment curls around my insides to see the tiny pink and white flowers awake every morning. just being around and dousing them with water really has a calming effect, though i have doubts on my ability to sustain this Life (or these lives). every morning, by association, Bing is content to watch four paw steps away. sometimes i stand there for so long, he dozes.

i guess it shan't be long before i undertake my own domestic duties,

so these are the faucets i want!

indeed has it been cloudy today! i think. i found delightful this off Lolita, which is in and of itself a delightful thing. today,i don't really know what i want to say,but right now,i'm sitting behind (or in front of) a wall of printed frames with my music - three metres away - playing by its lonesome self,comme moi.

back to The Neurotic Habits now..

Today, I want to write about a boy, a friend - who has over the years become increasingly important, increasingly cherished. Undoubtably strange, he also happens to be one of the most irritating people I first got to know at 13 (might have been the most irritating, really), but now that I - and he - am 20, he is among a list of, say, 5 people whom I couldn't possibly do without, on a purely platonic level. Amidst all the disturbance he has been from time to time, over the last 7 years, he has spoiled me to no end as well by fulfilling my covetous soul with little and excessive purchases. Perhaps this can be attributed to the amount of time we spent together at that point in our lives (the break after the O level, weekends during JC life) and our aimless wanderings around the island, but whether or not this is true, I don't think he ever expected anything in return. Of course, I know that's an absolute, but I honestly believe it to be (mostly) true. Every now and then, I am reminded of this friend's generosity to me and feel awful that I pale in comparison and seem almost miserly. Yesterday, a little bird and I were hunting for his birthday present and instead I was only able to find gifts for other people - What a lousy Profiterole. You see, my friend has not the evil mind and body-possessing desires that i do! Now kids, everyone knows that one can never own enough clothes, but he can leave 4 weeks of clothes unwashed and claim, "I still have enough clothes to wear!" - undies included - Obviously, very appalling to me ha ha. Before I go off-tangent, vomiting our entire conversation out as I am wont to do, I feel a flood of affection for this friend and our friendship because of the Trust; en generale, but specifically today, his trust in me. I suppose only that much can be said here. Well, really, who would've thought we'd be here today in this rather unlikely friendship.

Happy Birthday, dear.
I am so astonishingly blessed, i am.

last night,my lymph notes were swollen and another migraine was in full swing.

while Mother was rubbing my right temple,i got her to touch one swollen lymph note: "you're heaty la..[pause] you're stressed,is it? - what have you got to be stressed about?"

it was a long pause before "financial stress."

to which she replied,"that one i cannot help you - it's a worldwide crisis."

wot larks(:

(conceived at the kitchen sink,contemplated with the sound of running water (and its splashes onto Jet surface),in the precious quiet of the noon - in solitude)

(brackets within brackets; very frayed ideas)

i really don't know my limits - no,let us reconsider that. i do not want to know my limits. i've been idle for too long; the decayed state of my mind is appalling and i find myself in want of Intelligence and charged of Inadequacy.
--
(let's go on) more Cerebral dates.
--
i see the way you look at me when unforeseen tenderness is received,or given (this,being dependent on the viewpoint taken,of course). i lack the words to describe this such look - at the same time,this poverty; of words,of language,is suitable for only i will be able to keep it - with me - in mind,heart,soul. and i hope that i can retrieve it the next time i read this piece of meagre writing (read: Magic of Cinema; being inclined toward (from behind) in front of - can you remember - whose photograph?) best of all,i relish in that you have no knowledge of my watching you,looking like that. and i suppose,perverse as it sounds,i (if only me) am agreeable with the way i deceive you into thinking i do not know.
--
a lighter note:
mr.Wood said one night You are a heart of darkness and i,
i was rather pleased.

Wild Child apologies:

haven't not seen home much,
friday night,
after four-thirty,saturday morning,
the distress,panic,worry - tears,
(secret) intoxication indulgence,
will do nothing to discontinue,
late nights
&
(what eats into this wild child the most)
Audacity,and therefore,
Recalcitrance.

i fancy how ambiguous that sounds.

i've been away from here a long time,i realise. each week goes by with ineffectual self-reminders to leave traces here for keepsake. the happenings of april that is now long gone (and a little more) float around in the air - often only slightly above my head. when i reach for them,they escape me. so most days are purposely jotted down on paper scraps and more recently,The Black Leatherbound Gift.

One Month On:
my heart has gotten lighter by the day,i daresay,i do think (i can't be sure though but this is good enough for me). thank goodness for friends (few and true) and new friends (in point of fact,singular). how curious it is that life works. with the exit of one and the ingression of another. (i am beginning to get a little peeved at myself for being impersonal the way i am - help help help). however,there have been too many late nights and too many martinis - reeking,"if you don't know how to control yourself,we are going to have to".

Count: 10
The Mist is descending.

on the way home earlier,i spotted a man in solitude on the steps at harbourfront station. there is an apparent attraction to that notion. i think i will too. soon - when the heart is quiet.

what Sucker-for-Cummings Guybrush showed me on our first visit to kino:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
_________________________________i fear
no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

it is not fluttery,though. what it is is just not as heavy anymore. or perhaps not heavy at all. i don't believe this has been a distraction. this is just more wholesome and will do my Faculties no harm - for now.

( P. )

The Happenings of Late,courtesy of Lord Henry:

"But then one regrets the loss even of one's worst habits. Perhaps one regrets them the most. They are such an essential part of one's personality."
you were probably that kind of habit,unfortunately - i suppose..

"The things that one feels absolutely certain about are never true. That is the fatality of Faith, and the lesson of Romance."
i never want to experience that Fatality because i expect that that will really be when my world will crumble - romance,on the other hand,is easier to deal with,beyond question.

"The tragedy of old age is not that one is old,but that one is young."
somewhat like,the saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start. if you will listen,i will continue singing(:

"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame."
(and so,Tim Chan,this is why i think you shouldn't have disapproved of the OC back then - heh heh heh!)
--
a significantly bigger appetite saw me through sunday and monday. i attribute this to Increased Happiness which,in turn is attributed to Xiangs and Kaps. and when Xiangs marries Mr.Guards,i'll be her bridesmaid (and i will now risk sounding like a bimbo by saying that i'll probably end up like Katherine Heigl in 27 dresses,which i did not see,so please - hahah)!
--
now,how many people do you know who would die for you?

one.

yesterday,we saw Suwah off the second time and there i met an old new friend. apparently we hit it off and he made me realise i had almost entirely forgotten the kind of girl i was/AM. the one i was two years ago,the one i still am except for a while now,she's gone dormant.

i may be resistant to change to a most extreme extent but i do do believe - i know - that i still have that part of me in me.

yesterday,i moved along..even if,ridiculously,by just a millimetre.

9th (A380) sometimes i think i'm anorexic.

11th (the Royal Botanic Gardens) "i can be alone,yea i can watch the sunset on my own i can alone yea i can watch the sunset on my own i can be alone i can watch the sunset on my own" x almost the whole day.

13th (Fiona Hall: FORCE FIELD exhibition) "sometimes you see things on TV and you think, wish i was there too.."

( australia is part of asia )